Some children collect butterflies to imprison them in cages. Others smash bugs to paste or melt them with magnifying glasses or pull the legs off beetles just to see what happens. Some capture bees from flowerbeds, submerge them in an empty film canister full of Fairy Liquid and freeze them for future generations. Some people carry these niche interests into later life, becoming archivists, librarians and town planners.
Poker taxonomy is a little different. Rather than separating hands into a distinct genus or pool, hands are, appropriately, listed from the highest value descending, downwards from the glinting ruby tip of the poker castle, in which the game’s kings practice their craft, to the fecund fields of prospective GOATs below.
Without further ado, let’s away. I’ll be your guide for today, if you’ll kindly take my hand – no pun intended.
Throw your hands up
Thomas Crapper was the first Royal Flusher. The inventor of the royal toilet, Mr. Crapper carried more royal doodie than the stool groom’s wheelbarrow.
Everybody knows this one. It’s A, K, Q, J, 10 all the same suit. You’re happy to see this one
Five in a row, all the same suit. Like the Oceans 11 cast on a sickday.
Four of a Kind
All four cards of the same rank. The four horsemen.
… and its updated Netlfix iteration Fuller House. Three of a kind, with a pair.
Thomas Crapper’s second favourite. Any five unsequenced cards of the same suit.
Like an arrow. Five sequenced cards with non-matching suits.
Three of a kind
Three cards of the same rank
A swinging pair if you’re that sort of poker player, ghoulies on the table, heart on sleeve. Two different pairs.
Two cards of the same rank.
The one you use to say hello. When you haven’t made any of the above tasties, the highest card plays.
Take your pear, prepared prior, from your lunchbox, shine it on your sleeve until waxy and reflective, remove your cards from the table and proceed wringing the juices into the felt for an instant win
Just to clarify this is a joke, please don’t send us a furious email after you’re banned from the local poker room and dubbed the Prickly Pear Pain by every bouncer between Stockholm and Surrey.
Art thou born beneath the waning sign? Art thou destined for greatness? Pour thine eyes across the fringes of the fanned cards and know all things. Exclusive to the upper echelon of Stonecutters. A VIP hand.
In composing this brief summary we hope to endow you with the skills necessary to crush all-comers at the felt. Whether you call it moxxy, balls or cajones, this final indefinable element cannot be supplied from without, instead it must be fostered from within and mustered at will.
Summons letter has arrived. Cage your owl, grab your broom and attend the poker school.
Take what you have learned here today, find yourself a kith and kin poker game, play with strangers on a train or Han Solo it and put these lessons to the test with our list of single player card games.
I’ve been Aristotle, you’ve been Alexander.
Mike at GGPoker